Lets101 Articles and Blog

Today I was out with a few of my friends. One of them is a newly engaged couple : Alex and Shieree.

I suddenly remembered that tomorrow is April 1st so we must to plan a few pranks. Alex turns to Shieree and says, “Shieree, you know tomorrow is April Fool’s day, I will tell you that I Love You tomorrow.”

Shieree retorts with “I know. Megs, you shouldn’t have reminded him. I was planning to tell him I decided the date for our wedding day tomorrow.”

These friends of mine have been together for 4 years. Here’s a sincere wish that they remain as happy and in love forever. And may you all find the same love and happiness in your lives.

Anna and James were the ideal couple in the eyes of everyone around them. They had been best friends in college and then became lovers. You know the fairytale clichés about Passionately In Love, Have Eyes Only For each other and Happily Ever Afters - that was them.

So when the unthinkable happened - it was a surprise to everyone - family, friends, but most of all to Anna herself. She knew they had have problems but she had thought they could work them out. After all, which relationship doesn’t have its fair share of problems? And as she put it “When you have been together for so long and been through so much together, you think your bond is unbreakable.”

Can you take a guess what sounded the death knell on such a strong relationship?

No, it was not Cheating, it wasn’t Lack of Trust Or Jealousy or Disillusionment or the fact that they fell out of love. It was simply - BURNOUT.

Psychologists associate Burnout with 12 phases - a compulsion to prove oneself, working harder, neglecting one’s own needs,
displacement of conflicts (the person does not realize the root cause of the distress), revision of values (friends or hobbies are completely dismissed), denial of emerging problems (cynicism and aggression become apparent), withdrawal (reducing social contacts to a minimum, becoming walled off; alcohol or other substance abuse may occur), behavioral changes become obvious to others, inner emptiness, depression, burnout syndrome.

James had always been a bit of a workaholic but the more he got secure about his relationship - the more he immersed himself in his work. Since Anna herself could be a workaholic when she was excited about a project, she understood and it had never been a big issue before. A few forgotten dates or turning up late might anger her sometimes but never for long, plus she needed the same leeway sometimes too.

But there came a point where Anna could not even recognize James. From someone who didn’t raise his voice even when angry to the person who would pick up a fight simply because she had been unable to take his call immediately, from a teetotaler to a drunkard, from someone who worried if she was 10 minutes late to someone who didn’t even notice her calls or messages when she got in real trouble and needed him.

At what point in such a case do you cross the line from being Supportive Partner To Emotionally Abused Partner? When do you know that enough is enough and you need to get out, and then not feel guilty about it? When do you stop looking for the sweet guy you fell in love with in the jerk in front of you?

Want to know how this story ended - James burnout progressed to the point where he became emotionally unavailable and cut off contact with his friends, family and even Anna. Where simply losing touch was not enough, he became emotionally and physically abusive.

And Anna.. she is still wondering if she is such a horrible person that a guy who had loved her so much had learned to hate her.

Everywhere you look, you will see suggestions on what to give your Valentine but there are no suggestions on what NOT TO GIVE.

So we came up with a list that could hopefully help you avoid the Day of Love Into Day of Disaster. Though I have to say, some choices would be great as pay back to The Horrible EX.

1. A Gym Membership

You may think that our partner could do with losing up some weight, but pointing this out is rarely a good idea, and Valentines’ Day is the worst of bad choices.

2. Tickets To The National Museum Of Crime and Punishment

This Washington based Museum came up with the novel idea “Stealing your loved one’s heart” on Valentines’ Day by taking them to learn about love-related crimes. They even offer to handcuff couples during the tour, and of course gift them handcuffs as a parting Valentine’ gift. While I am all in favor of ‘knowledge’; learning about Crimes, even if they are Crimes Of Passion on Valentines’ Day is not exactly on the top of my wish list.

3. Cooking Classes

Unless you have discussed it before (and that does not mean that it was mentioned once), the message is “I love you, but I hate your cooking.” So, unless you are very, very, very clear about the fact that your partner thinks it acceptable as a Valentine Gift, steer clear from it.

4. Household Goods

For women, even the most perfect Martha Stewart-esque type, such gifts can only bring to mind DRUDGERY. She may really want the revolutionary new vacuum cleaner or the waffle maker, but they are not meant to be gifts EVER. And don’t even think of buying that new theatre system because we know as well as you do, that it’s for you and not for us.

5. Male Enhancement Products

For obvious reasons. Though I would send this to an EX. It is also the perfect gift if you don’t want to enter into any explanations while breaking-up.

6. Sex For Dummies

After 5, do I still need to explain? Though on the other hand, a full-illustrated Kamasutra edition could actually be a great gift.

7. Plastic Flowers

Hey, even gas station flowers are better than that. You don’t have to be extravagant, but don’t be cheap either. Just a single fresh rose bud isn’t that difficult to find or afford.

8. Breath Mints

Is this even a valid gift for any occasion except maybe ‘Let’s Humiliate The Bad Breath People Day’.

9. Tickets To Action Movies/Sport Events

So you have the perfect evening planned - Candlelight, romantic dinner, and movie. But are you sure about the choice of movie? Your gal may love action flicks as much as you do, but not on Valentines’ day. If you can’t stand the sappy chick-flicks, cut the movie off the plan completely. Also, steer clear of Porn, and tickets to any sports events (unless she really is into it). If you are low on cash, cooking or even ordering in isn’t a bad idea, as long as you remember not to poison her accidentally.

10. No Gifts

Even Bad Gifts are better than NONE. And guys, if your partner told you not to get them anything much, you better make sure you get them something extra special or else…

Ok.. I agree, Valentines’ day is probably the most romantic day to propose, and even for getting married.

But it is too much of a cliché too. Of course, there is a school of thought that says clichés became clichés because they were successful.

Maybe, I am just not the dewy-eyed romantic because I do have a few objections to being proposed to or even married on Valentines’ day.

For one, it’s so overdone that it is almost expected if you are in relationship. There would just be no element of surprise, and definitely no original thought the choice of the day. I don’t hanker for the surprise but lack of original thought is certainly a big turn-off for me.

Secondly, it is like having a day less to celebrate each year for the rest of your life. If Valentines’ day and my anniversary falls on the same day - I get one present and one night-out for both. Not really a good bargain (Ok ok… I am a bit materialistic).

And hey, when you tell you got engaged or married on Valentines’ Day, they start OOH and AAH-ing immediately. So, if you do have a really romantic story, no one ever waits to hear it. You just have to knock them over the head to be able to tell it.

On the other hand, atleast you can be sure that your husband would never forget to get you a present even if he only remembers it is Valentine’s day and not your anniversary.

So, what do you think?

Would you want to get married/engaged on Valentines’ Day or not?

J had taken me to watch Garfield, but when we reached the hall, we were told that the show had been cancelled. I love Garfield, and was really disappointed. So J suggested we go for my second-most favorite activity instead: Shopping.

That day, when I got home, I found a small Garfield soft-toy in my bag, with this note: “Kiddo, I hate to see you disappointed and I will never let it happen again.”

I used to sleep holding it in my arms when J couldn’t be there, and cried holding it when we had a fight. If I was angry with him, seeing it would just melt away my anger.

Me and J broke up 3 years later, but I have never been able to give that Garfield up. It was just too precious, and even against all good sense, I still sometimes sleep holding it when I miss him.

Most of us have our own mementoes that are too precious to be thrown away and yet too painful to be kept. They are a reminder of that Perfect Relationship, which we failed.

Remember the wedding dress Carrie in Sex and The City Movie bundles at the back of her closet because it was too beautiful to be destroyed? She later blames herself for being jilted at at the altar: “I let the wedding get bigger than Big.”

Even if we bury them out of sight, these Ghosts Of Relationships Past haunt us, and only by getting rid of them can we be free and move on. Unfortunately, not many of us have the courage to toss them in the fire.

So, I can only admire the idea of the Museum Of Broken Relationships. The museum, currently on display in Singapore, contains the remnants of love relationships donated by the people in the cities they have visited.

There is the Mobile Phone that the woman received after the break-up so that she wouldn’t be able to call him anymore;
The Under-knee Prosthetic Limb that is all that survives of the love between a war veteran and a social worker;
The Murano Glass Horse that was meant to be a symbol of eternal love for his wife but now is just a painful reminder of their 20 year marriage.

I think I am going to add to their exhibits soon. And I hope some of you can do the same too.

1. Even the quietest and shyest among us loves to talk. And we love men who really listen, not just pretend to. Believe me, we have enough practice in knowing the difference.

2. You want our dirty secrets? Don’t look for a diary, you need our girl friends (if you can get them to talk, that is). Contrary to all logic, our secrets are safer with them than they would be in diary buried in the bowels of earth. It would be better and easier for you to accept that you will only ever know what we choose to tell you. We call it TRUST.

3. We all have FAKED orgasms sometime or the other, though none of us will admit to it in front of you. And the reason is that we love you enough to not care at all if we forgo our pleasure occasionally.

4. Men Want Toys, Women Want Diamonds. And this effectively solves the argument about which is the Smarter Sex.

5. We know you don’t get hints. But we still hint about what we want, because it means so much more to us if you understood and got it for us. We don’t even care if you get it right or not, just the fact that you tried is very precious. So the next time you crib about us not being upfront, think of the benefits: if you get it right, you get a great time; if you don’t, you still get full marks for trying.

You meet his eyes across the room. He is cute but not really your type. So you look away, but you can still feel his intense gaze on you.

After a while, he comes up to you. You end up having a great conversation and are surprised to find that you spent almost the whole evening chatting to him.

What’s more, he did not give any hint that he was interested in more than just talking. Well, not until you think that he only concentrated on you all the time you were chatting. You are confused.. because after all you aren’t really interested in him, and yet he was so great to talk to that you didn’t notice anyone else either.

You manage to convince yourself that you had imagined his intense gaze earlier in the evening. Probably it was just a trick of the light on his eyes; in any case you were too far to tell, and also feeling a bit self-conscious about the dress you were wearing because it isn’t exactly your style either, even if it looked great.

A few meetings convince you more than ever that it is nothing more than the kind of chemistry that makes best friends, a la Will and Grace, only he is straight. Come to think of it, that was the tragedy of the show.

Then there are hints. Hints that he likes you a LOT; you brush them away as your imaginings. His touch begins to feel possessive rather than friendly; you brush it away as just concern.

But sometimes, just sometimes, you wonder what if it was for real? Not for too long, because you don’t know your own feelings, and you are scared that you might lose your friend.

He has somehow become indispensable, you see. He is the person you can say anything to, you think of first when you want to share anything happy or sad, the first person you call when you need help.

Yes, it sounds like love, but you are not sure. It’s better this way, because he can’t hurt you very much this way. Truth is, your heart knows that if you allowed yourself to love him, he could destroy you like no one else could ever do.

And then he says IT. And you are not prepared.

“I am a person who is looking for Love. Ridiculous, Inconvenient, Consuming, Can’t-Live-Without-Each-Other Love.”

You thought so too, and you have it now. All you need to do is reach out and take it, but you can’t, you just can’t.

Maybe it’s just because it isn’t meant to be this way. Maybe love isn’t meant to be taken but given. And until you can do that, it won’t feel right.

I’m also just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.
                   – Julia Roberts as Anna Scott (Notting Hill)

I couldn’t help but remember this line as I watched Britney’s tell all documentary: Britney For The Record. With this one line, Julia Roberts had captured the yearning for love and the fear of rejection that each woman has, no matter how beautiful or famous she maybe.

Believe me, I am no Britney fan, and her behavior over the past couple of years, especially the infamous head-shaving incident, has seemed to me to be increasingly desperate attempts at grabbing public attention. However, watching the show, I could not but pity her and at the same time admire her too.

“You can’t really go there in a complete state of happiness because you’re scared it’s going to be taken away.”

That is too familiar.

While each one of us is looking for love, we are also secretly afraid of finding it, because finding it means giving up control. It makes us feel exposed and vulnerable to the possibility of being hurt.

This fear can slowly poison even the most beautiful relationships, and just prove our worst fears right. Vicious Circle, indeed.

The only way to rid one-self of this fear is TRUST - in your partner, in yourself, and in destiny.

When you bounce a baby in air, he laughs… because he knows you will catch him. That is the purest form of trust, and that is what is needed in relationships too.

You could argue that trusting someone so easily and completely is foolhardy but notice the difference between two. I do not say that you should trust easily, but once you do; trust completely because not trusting completely just means distrust.

When you are able to do that, only then you will no longer be afraid and really begin to love, and that really is the best feeling in the world.

Meanwhile, here’s hoping that Britney does fulfill her wish of getting married and living with her husband and kids on a secluded island.

Its been said that the fairer sex is more complex, than us men. And, I dont think anyone would debate that.

Relationships are very complex things, scholars even today are at their wits end to solve this maze and come out with a prognosis for a perfect relationship. The moment 2 individuals get involved with each other, no matter at what level, their are bound to be expectations and with expectations comes the emotions of joy and hurt.

I might be an educated man, but I cannot talk intelligently about what is the recipe for a perfect relationship or for that matter what do men and women expect out of each other. Although I can make a feeble attempt at listing a few things that we as men would want in a relationship. 

1.Sex:

Let’s be honest, be it men or women, we all want it, we all need it. And if it’s good, then the chances of that relationship flourishing are second to none. Men have been targeted every now and then by the accusations that this is the only thing we look for in a relationship. What we tend to ignore is the fact that women need it as badly as we do. So, instead of shying away from it or considering it as taboo, please embrace it with open arms(n legs)….hahaa…(forgive me but I couldn’t resist myself on that one).

2.Space:

This is the most imp. thing that needs to be addressed. Just because we are in a relationship with you, doesn’t mean that our lives have come to a dead end with other people in our life. We need to go and hang out with our gang every once in a while, we need that boys night out as you do yours. In fact, to let out a secret, more free you let us be, we will come back to you. You keep breathing down our necks and we will find ways to run away from you.

3.Listen:

Another misconception that I would like to clear is that men have their guys, their bars, their sports to de-stress. We do, but there are times when we would want you to just sit and listen to what we have to say. It might be related to our office, our relationship, our car, just sit and lend us an ear. Not necessarily we would want advice or want to hear about your new haircut at that time, all we need is someone who can hear us out.

4.Talks about future:

This one is a BIG NO NO. The surest way to scare a man away is to discuss what your future with him looks like, in the initial stages of the relationship itself. If you think you need need to have the talk, then make sure you have it face to face rather than on the phone. And try not to get into the details like what your pet’s name going to be, just have a boarder perspective to the conversation.

We men are very simple beings, with very simple demands. You take care of these, in the said order and we’ll take care of you.

– Mr. A

Our relationships are very much like us. Once they are dead, there is nothing that can bring the old magic back.

Some people move on sooner than others, but everyone feels guilty over it. Perhaps that is why most people refuse to give up on them, keep trying to make it work, even though in their hearts they know there is nothing left.

There is no resurrection for the dead - in life or in relationships. The best thing you can do is to realise this and move on. The first step towards this is to be very sure that you want to end this relationship.

The next step is to get it over with in as painless a way as possible for everyone involved. Though there is no way to end a relationship without a lot of hurt or pain, there are ways to minimise them.

But is there a way to break-up a relationship without any hurt? Actually No. Rejection is always hard to take, but rejection from someone you care for is much harder. The best you can manage is to minimise the hurt.

1. Location:

However strong the temptation, do not break-up over the phone or email. Your soon-to-be ex deserves that much respect. Still not convinced? Think how humiliating it would be if someone did the same with you. It sends out the signal that your time together has never meant anything to you. Choose a private place for your break-up speech. You do not want to add humiliation to hurt, and your partner needs some time to deal with the news. Yes, it can be difficult and wanting to avoid confrontations is natural. But don’t you want a clean break for once and all, so you can get on with your life.

2. Time

Do not break-off around your partner’s birthday or any other special occasions. Time is of great essence, chances are that your partner already has a hint about the cracks in your relationship. You don’t want them to remember their birthdays or other special days as the day when you broke their heart. Preferably, try to do it on a weekday, so that work keeps them a little busy, a weekend will just give them more time to sit and sulk.

3. Reason

This is THE most important aspect. Be honest, brutally honest if need be, because the person who has loved you deserves a true reason to know what went wrong and where. It will help you both get over the relationship more easily and quickly if you’re true to yourself. Im not saying have a proper speech ready, but the reasons you think and why do you think those reasons are important.

4. Duration

Make sure you both have time on your hands for the talk. You don’t want to rush through it. This might probably, be the last time when you both will be discussing your relationship in detail. So its necessary that you talk out all the flaws, and decide the way forward. 

5. Aftermath:

The safest way to get over a relationship is not be in touch for at least the first 3-4 months, even if you guys decide to end it off on a good note and be friends. Oh and ya, try and stay away from rebound relationships. You don’t want to get into something when you are most vulnerable. 

And, the last piece of advice, which everyone will tell you is try and keep yourself busy with work, your hobbies, friends, whatever. Resist the urge to be alone.